A few weeks ago I heard from D. It was a very short email. He’d heard about our larger recent aftershocks and wanted to check if I was ok. I said that I was, and thanked him for his concern, and that was that.
I couldn’t not reply. If someone is worried about your physical safety I think it’s best to reassure them, no matter how you feel about them…but there was nothing more. I didn’t ask him how he was or say anything that might return us to the world of communication.
It’s the first time I’ve been in a “serious” relationship where I haven’t made any attempts at remaining in communication or trying to navigate the murky waters of “what sort of relationship/friendship do we have now?”
The emails I got right after it had all broken down…after the day of light texts…made me not want to engage in any discussion or new form of relationship.
It’s not that the issues that tripped us up were one-sided…they weren’t. There’s a whole lot of troubling takeaways for me to think about: I can’t hide my passive streak behind my extrovert image. Not asking probing questions isn’t always an asset, sometimes it’s just lazy or it comes from a fear of things I don’t want to address….and more. I gots some growing up to do.
I haven’t used my self-awareness to negotiate a new way of us relating…because I have never been able to imagine what could be gained from that. I would be unable to simply stop with what I’ve learned about myself…I’d also want to unload what I thought about his behaviors. I know what I make of his roll in all of our fail…but I have no interest in influencing what he takes away from it. If he ever asks for my opinions on what happened, that will be something I have to deal with…but this silence feels right.
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