parasitegirl: (Default)
I can't even count the reasons to be reflecting on my life right now:

A major breakup, always a time for reflection. Knowing that my time in Japan went from being something I thought of finite/a matter of months to being something that stretches out before me without a known endpoint. New Year. I've recently been in my home town (In my family home surrounded by memories of my past) seeing people who've known me all my life/since elementary school/ since high school/ since college/ since I went to live in Japan.I'm bringing my time at one studio to a close and taking on more classes at the other. I've been on Lexpro with counciling every two weeks since early Septemer and it's helping me be able to think about my life without the fog of depression...

A whole lot of reasons...ne?

The depression diary. )


parasitegirl: (Default)
Today has been a busy day.

I woke up and got cracking on smoothing out my three lesson plans. Not working a full day and spending an hour on the train to Tokyo before I teach makes an understandable world of difference in my energy levels.

I've had three studnets in my Zills&Drills and Roma&More and really felt totally in control of my lesson, no hesitation. I'm getting a better sense of how to mentally pre-plan a lesson. In the break Eva and I planned for me to teach three short workshops in December: Intro to Zills. Zill choreography, and veil combinations. I had no beginners show up for the beginner class, but that should change after I do the student halfa tomorrow.

It was a good thing I got out early, as I had to scurry to Maihama (home to Disney land, Disney Sea, Ikspiari shopping and Cirque Du Soliel) because Ara had left me a ticket for Cirque. Ara is a bellydancer who moved to Japan 3 years ago when her husband got a job as a musician in the Cirque show Zed. They've let me see the show before, with my mom, up in teh sound booth. This time they left me a ticket to sit in the actual theater. Great show! Unfortunately, Cirque is a earthquake tourist/economy casualty and will close at the end of the year.

On the way out I caught an approved Ikspiari street performer....juggling/magic/comedy/unicycle and stopped and watched, because I realized that the performer, Jeremy, is one of the Tokyo Facebook friends I've had for 2-3 years and never met in person. I tipped well and sent a thank-you facebook message after.

Now I'm at home, ready to fall asleep early. No nausea today with the meds, but my head has started to hurt and the increased urination continues and annoys me.

I have many comments to reply to, please give me a day or two.

Tomorrow the Eva's studio is having a student and studio show, very small and informal, and I'll be dancing there as an instructor.

Treatment.

Sep. 2nd, 2011 07:03 pm
parasitegirl: (Default)
Last night, after the psyche session and after joining up with Eva and Mona for food in Ueno, I took my first Lexapro and my first ambien.

Ambien! My body doesn't care for most sleeping pills and anxiety makes it worse. My system scoffs at sleeping pills. I was an amazingly happy camper when Ambien dragged me down and gave me the deep sleep I have been missing...unfortunately it was only 6 hours of deep sleep, due to my schedule, but it was nice.

I went to work pretty out of it and snuck off to the room they've been reserving for us so that we don't go crazy. In past days (even yesterday) I worked out in that room and prepared for dance lessons. Today, I fell asleep on the floor for two hours.

Lexapro side effects bothering me: nausea, fatigue, and increased urination. I am hoping these pass. Mid-day I googled them and, yup, right up there with common side effects. A dodgy stomach makes coffee a bit problematic which doesn't help the fatigue.

In the afternoon I managed to plot out two of tomorrow's three lessons (Zill&Drills, Roma&More and Beginer Bellydace) and review some dvds for teaching inspiration, I'm watching for how to teach using body language and easy to remember motions.

I've yet to write out what I am teaching day one in Roma & More. It's almost 7 PM and my body is fighting the idea of running through anything. It might just make sense to get to bed early and map out Roma in the morning before I teach. Most of it will be revieiwing the same thing I taught in the "taster" class last month...and I can build up layers a bit by spending more time on "throwing the stomach" in the moves...still, I'd like a good gesture-flow of sorts (basic front back step X4, side-sideX3, gesture combo...change feet and repeat as needed)...that may make more sense after I sleep.

My dance classes start at 11:30 tomorrow, with a lunch break, ending at 2. Then I've got a comp ticket for me to see Cirque du Soleil: Zed at 4pm as a me-reward.

There is a dance show I'd wanted to see, but I didn't get tickets because I realized that would be overload for me. Ganbatte, Hannah!

I think I'm going to prep my class bag and such, put out what I need for lesson planning, and watch brainless funny stuff for and hour and then CRASH.
parasitegirl: (Default)
I have a night off. I've returned to cooking tonight and it feels good.

I thought I was meeting Eva and Mona, tonight (Weds) but I realized, two nights ago, that I had actually double-booked things on Thursday. Eva is seeing if Mona can push back the meeting time until after my doctor's appointment.

I have to give Eva props. She is the most organized studio owner I have personally been exposed to here. Contracts, written agreements, time tables and such. She's also very intense about wanting to get me more exposure and recognition. I will be teaching workshops at her studio in December. Early next year she and I will also be performing a duet together and also doing solos when Mona brings up Olga from Osaka.

Mona runs her own studio and is bringing Mohammed Shahin (whose workshops I am looking forward to) over in November. Mona befriended me on Facebook when we both made similar, tactful, comments about what it is like to be a dancer living in a foreign country when Mohamed was having foreign-dancer-in-Egypt issues. Then, on looking through my photos, she realized that she's seen me perform in shows twice and really enjoyed it. Tomorrow we meet INRL

Yeah. For all my stress at networking in Japan, it has gotten better and I have been very blessed with how my performances have begat more performances at a range of studio shows I am not officially affiliated with.

 Konya restaurant called. I haven't danced there since late last year but  they are calling me for once-a-month slots again. and I'm back in rotation in October. I missed a call from them last new-year, because I was in America, and hadn't done a lot of follow up since then because I'd been so booked with Istanbul….before the quake.

Soon I shall hit the bed for early sleep tonight. Tomorrow I will probably get a workout in using the private room at city hall…and then head into Tokyo to look into medication/counciling and then get dinner with Mona and Eva.
parasitegirl: (Default)

Tonight I met with Eva in Matsudo about the studio contract and such, but I have begged off of doing a full dinner. Today I tackled most of the email backlog and narrowed down music choices for the live show in October…and, yeah, made appointments at two different psychiatric clinics (to shop around) one this Thursday and one next Wednesday.

One of the (many) problems with depression is my inability to determine when I legitimately need to
rest/take a night off for things and when it is just the lethargy talking me into not moving.There is no doubt my tendency to stay busy is a key way that I manage depression issues, but it's also a coping technique that has the risk of making the lows more difficult and pronounced if they reach a certain level.

Tonight I think it is both. I'm going to be lazy tonight. I am justifying it with the fact that I have been actively vacationing for a week. Being in charge of the language/transportation issues wore me out beyond the usual relationship issues of traveling together and the issues of reuniting after a 8 month break.

I figure I can prep for Tuesday's lessons in the reserved-for-us spare room at work on Tuesday. I know this cuts it close, but I will have 7 hours and that is more than enough.

Tuesday night: Teaching in Nishi-azabu.

Wednesday: Meeting with Eva AND Mona. Mona is a local bi-lingual dancer who has lived a fair amount in Europe. She and I got acquainted on Facebook by both responding to the "Dancers in Egypt shouldn't badmouth Egypt" debacle by both speaking out about the need to be able express negativity at times when living in a second culture. She flipped through my FB photos and It turned out she'd seen me dance at the Aziza show years ago. She is interested in having me dance at one of her shows and Eva is coming to facilitate the live "us meeting" experience I guess.

Thursday; Into Tokyo for Psych stuff!

Friday: Prep for three Saturday morning classes.

Saturday: Teach…maybe go to see a Cirque show after as a reward.

Sunday evening: There's a studio hafla in Matsudo I am dancing in as an instructor.

Holy shit. I am busy. Yeah. There's no way I can handle all of this if the depression continues or escalates. Even if I get on medications soon it's gonna be a bit of a challenge to stay at this pace while waiting for medicine to take effect.

I don't know when I will be able to fit in the workouts this week it might be best to let it slide while I acclimate and focus on dance practice instead and phase in the short workouts next week. I know I need to get back into cooking and working out soon because I know that helps my mental state.

SAD

Jan. 24th, 2011 03:54 pm
parasitegirl: (Default)
Veiwing my posts, my wanderlust, and my desire to stay in bed all day and powersleep...Hi, SAD

Yeah, perfect time of the year to start on new things. PERFECT. I R GENIUS!

Tonight I go home, cook, reach out to some locals fer guidance, have some hagendaaz, and polish stuff for teaching.

It's not as bad as past years, but I did spend two weeks in Austin.
parasitegirl: (Default)

Last week I got bent out of shape over a gas bill. Even after I pinpointed the error, transferred money, and it was over; I was filled with shame, frustration, confusion and panic.

That was my sign to dust off my writings about the oncoming darkening. That time is coming, if it is not already here. I am ok, for now. Things are in-check, at the moment. But this is a yearly ritual, my preparation, my self-awakening to certain realities. To look over my past writings reminds me that the soon-to-be stress responses and depressive reactions that stretch beyond what is reasonable and are deeper than the shallow events that precede them are not new…and can be survived…although they may require professional help or medication this year. That is always an option that needs to be considered, without shame. It’s not unknown to me but it’s been a long time.

My years of writing journals and blogs show me… yes.. again… yes.. again. I ask,  “What was I doing last year at this time? …and the year before?... and the year before?” and I flip through my writings. I usually find, with minor variations, that the farther in time I go back during the dark months, the more out of balance I was…but that individual years will vary and surprise me. Reading where I have been shows me that I have gotten better at this, but I know that doesn’t mean this year will be uneventful. I never know. I can hope but I won’t know until it is behind me.

I review. I reach out. I take a good long look in the mirror. I write.

The SAD.  )

 

parasitegirl: (Default)

I may have to do nothing tonight. I overdid it on the biking recently…my legs are super sore and my fingers…they feel the beating of beading. I’ve been practicing/drilling dance between and hour to and hour and a half every night for a week and a half and have been planning for this Wednesday, my hair coloring at Aveda night, to be my night of sloth…but my body is telling me otherwise today. It’s laughing at even slow, pose-y moves. Perhaps an hour of watching various performance DVDs is the way to go. I may just leave my bike at work and take the train home.

The darkening has begun as well. Last Friday I got way too bent out of shape about a slip-up with my gas bill. I was on the verge of tears and feeling all “I can’t do ANYTHING RIGHT. Doom! Gloom! I R failure” and even though my reasonable brain was saying “Um, dude…your reaction is out of proportion. You KNOW it is” and even “Shut up. You’ve transferred the cash and contacted them, everything is ok. Minor crisis is not only minor, it is over” it took a while for my sympathetic nervous system to stop going OMG YOU NEED MORE EPINEPHRINE AND FRIENDS as it likes to do as the darken season looms.

parasitegirl: (monkey)
I am tired all the time. It's that time of SAD. It is 2PM and I want a nap. If a nap couch appeared I would be dead to the world within minutes. I am thinking about skipping "rhythm-motion" tonight at the gym. I haven't been for two weeks (due to Afet show and Ahmet workshop...not slacking) and wonder if I am up for it.

It's hard to know if the answer is YES I need a little more sleep or NO I need to work out to get more energy in general. I don't know if more sleep will compound the problem or if more working out will. I'm leaning towards "PMS Says: Relax." because I haven't slacked in a while and might honestly be tired under the lethargy of SAD. It's hard when you can't trust your body to know what's best for you. I know that my SAD body can demand I sleep like a cat and still never give me the reward of being rested.

PMS also says "buy and eat a whole bag of granola with yogurt" but I know that that is bullshit. PMS gets a Haggendaaz treat tonight...Haggendaaz might not sound as healthy as granola...but I can't be trusted with a whole bag of granola right now and the Haggendaaz treats here are Japanese sized...like a 1/4-1/3 of a pint.

I have been active, so I know this isn't sloth built by sloth. Friday night I danced, Saturday morning was "latin dance aerobics" (hate the teacher...she laughs out loud when people are confused by her choreography and acts like it is our fault... and I don't find it very "latin dance" but once in a while we drill something I can use) Saturday evening was dancing at Legend. Sunday morning at 9AM my mother called and, even though it was minutes after my alarm had gone off, I was so disoriented she gave up. I set my alarm for an additional 30 minutes. Sunday at 5PM was Zumba. I was asleep by 9:30PM.Sports club blather )
Ahhh well...damn I want a nap. My shoulders ache. Just like the lethargy, I couldn't tell you if the shoulder ache comes from two nights dancing in costume with a halter strap or if it is part of the "your limbs ache" symptom of SAD. Probably both. Wheeeeeee.

Yeah, I'm leaning toward a slow evening.

The deciding factor for me is that I can't get sick. I have taught 18 days this semester and have 14 more to go. I teach everyday this week and next and can't afford to get sick. Flu is hitting the schools. Today's school had many students absent and an absent principal from the flu...but also had 5 kids in one class absent for the mumps. Allergy season has started (cedar) so I'm already sniffly and sore throated despite the meds...tonight I bead, watch videos, eat well, eat haggendaaz, and drink hot ginger/honey infusions.
parasitegirl: (bunny dance)

Oh, February, I'm only 5 days into you and I can feel you kicking my shins. Fuck you, February.

I've gone back to the light box, cutting back on sweets, doing 3 dancey-aerobics things a week at the sports club and upping the vitamin D. I feel a bit more stable. I still have little waves of unknown dread. On my ride into work this morning, as the train pulled into our dinky little station with the handmade seat covers, a wave of "Run! Panic! Doom!" hit me for no reason. I'm getting small tremors right now, but not freaking or crying. I'm just looking around reminding myself how unwarrented the DOOM is. As much as I do not love the cardigan and tie look of the older men around me, "Mr. Roger's Bizarro World" should not inspire DREAD....not this much dread at least.

Soon I'll go to N school, where I will teach with the co-teacher/dentist (the one who got me involved with the tooth video). I enjoy her and the school fills my need for oddity. It is across from a park with brightly colored dinosaur sculptures and the school itself homes some very angry peacocks.

 This morning I brought a pile of business cards and entered them into my computer address book.

 

Trying to be orderly )
parasitegirl: (zills)

This was written at work on MOnday. I've since DONE the super extra show and it ROOOOOCKED my world...and now I seem to be texting back and forth with a J-boy I think might be only 22....but that's for  later...here is me yesterday*

 

Satu-Sun )
parasitegirl: (Default)
I was on the train and, as I am want to do, I fell back through time. It happens more as the darkness of winter is on me.

Although I sat, carefully, on the train, I found myself sprawled across a rumpled bed, in a well-designed hotel room, looking at a  face I probably can feel in my sleep.

I pushed my feet against the train floor, hoping to ground myself, but I felt my fingers trace his eyebrows and cheekbones. I've known this face over time. I feel the words that I want to say, the ones that admit that I know no face as well as this, this beautiful skull, but I don't say anything.  I hear his words...his regrets...and I can say nothing but "shut up, shut up, shut up...."

And I'm falling. I'm seeing that face over time. I see it sideways, flat, cut in half by a pillow. It is cold, softer, flushed, thinner, shaved, unshaved. I see it as I imagine I first saw it and as I know I last saw it.

I sit upright as the train goes forward but I feel my weight against cotton, under blankets, sinking into a water bed, against the floor and I want the falling to stop. I don't want to remember what comes next. I want to stay in the moments that come before I say shut up...I don't want to watch myself leave again and again and again.

And then, as quickly as it starts, I have the memories under control. I'm on a train, going to see friends.

These morning I sit in front of my full spectrum light, and take my vitamin D with a good breakfast and a cup of coffee. I'm still going to fall through time, here and there, and I'm going to feel the emotions amplified...but no need to leave the trapdoors of time deliberately weakened.
parasitegirl: (holga)
For those of you who read my whole last post, or who saw the start and figured it would be best to stop reading, I should explain myself a bit.

You might be wondering if Season Affective Disorder or some form of depression in upon me. Why, yes, it is!

SAD is sitting on my chest and beating me with both fists right now. I'm spitting teeth! I'm not too worried about it though and neither should you.

A week of sleepless nights averaging four productive hours of sleep an evening, date-line jumping, no stable pattern of light boxes or routines, uneven eating schedules, uneven fitness binges, seeing people who mean something to me and saying goodbye to them, meeting wonderful people and leaving the country, photoshoots where I look amazing, plane rides...of course my emotions are out of whack.

This is a beating I've been expecting. It's the unexpected emotional beatings that scare me. This one makes perfect sense!

Did I cry in San Francisco? Yes. Did I get teary eyed on the plane watching Casablanca? Yes. Am I sniffly now? Yes. But at this moment of chemical turmoil I might cry at being denied a cheeseburger and I don't even eat meat.

So it's hot yoga tonight, waking up at 7am even on the weekends to sit in front of the light box, and a few days of pulling it together while my mind gets back on track.

Don't worry, I don't.
parasitegirl: (holga)
Wire mother: I come to you when I need you.

I wake up at 6:30.

In the summer the time varies. I push into the morning. 6:45...7...7:20 if I dash. Summer is over. From now on it is 6:30.

I wake and prepare my food. I sit down with the breakfast of the day and click on my full-spectrum light box and my computer. I have 30 minutes. I scan your journals, check the weather, make sure whatever NPR podcasts I subscribed to are updated and on my iPod.  The full spectrum hits me. I can faintly see the apple icon through my laptop screen.

The darkness is coming.

Two weeks ago the signs appeared: dull pain in my limbs, tired at 3pm, starchy cravings, and the general unease that I was starting to sweat the little things disproportionally.  S.A.D.

I unpacked the light box.

This is how it will be for a while. The light box and the excersize will take the edge off. I'll journal more because I need to, not just because I want to. I'll look back at prior months and wonder about patterns. Sometimes, I'll just cry.

I'm not frustrated about it like I've been in the past...but give me time. We're just starting up again.

But I notice that I don't feel weak, or like my chemestry betrays me, the way I used to. This is just how it is. The extra excersize and lightbox? It's nice to have physical things that off-set the way my body does and doesn't break things down in winter...why fight it or resent it? These things aren't great disrupters of my day. They're just there. To forego them and set my mind to "being vigilant against depression" would be foolish. I know it to be exhausting. I'm not wired like that. My willpower isn't enough. I shouldn't expect it to be.

Don't confuse my "it's the way I am" bit to mean that I'm complacent. I know that I must take on certain resposibilities if I am to keep battles with depression from hurting other people. This means that I do have to be aware, be willing to admit when I'm being out of line, and most of all to give people a heads up about what might be ahead and how to ask me questions if something seems off.

If you've read me for more than a year you know these things. We've got the SAD tag on this lj for a reason. It's all there. This post is minor.

Someday, I'll probably need to go on medication. The idea that at some points in my life the mental self-examinations and physical offsets won't be enough is increasingly real to me.

And so it is.
parasitegirl: (neck)
For weeks podcasts of The World on PRI have brought with them strange waves of desolation and that chemical dump that comes just before tears.  My insecurities are usually minor, but have been putting on David Byrne's oversized jacket and parading around my brain. They like to pretend that this neurosis is the same as it ever was...but I have my doubts. People who have noticed that I don't seem happy have been trying to figure out if it is them I am not happy with. This is not the case, I simply haven't been that happy...even when participating in events that bring me unmitigated joy. And if you've emailed me, you're amazingly lucky if I reply to your emails. if  I do reply  it seems to be either very short or surprisingly long replies.

Today has been an unwarranted day of unstoppable crying jags. There have been triggers, but triggers which should only disquiet me for a little while and give me things to think about, not events worthy of eye-leaking mug spilling jags near co-workers. For the record, they think that I am experiencing a violent hay-fever fit.

This has all brought me to the belated realization that my problems with depression may not be limited to Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Ya think? Like the first time I became aware that my problems with depression might be more internal than external, I  look at my parents and say "WOW, Why didn't I think of depression SOONER?"  No offense Mom and Dad, but a certain level does seem to run in the family and shouldn't be far down my check list when I'm looking inward.

I think I am hitting a low. If I am then things make far more sense than they did yesterday, last week, or for months really. I have been on Zoloft before. I would rather not take medications again but I know that the next few weeks are ones in which I need to think and look at myself carefully to gauge if this is the sort of depression that I can treat by awareness and small modifications in my life until the low curves back to normal. If this is not the case I have checked up on the TELL Tokyo line and know where to make appointments that will lead to English speaking licensed and Board-certified psychiatrists and psychotherapists and possible medication.

Now I just need to figure out if Hot Yoga is going to be a good idea tonight or scarily cathartic and tear inducing.
parasitegirl: (holga)
Tonight I’ll try a slightly different yoga class. It’s in the same place, same sweat box conditions. It claims to be hot POWER yoga and is no doubt is less Bikram, more Japan. It’s still a shame that my location doesn’t offer Hot Hula like the Shinjuku ones do. That would make for an amusing night.

My main reason for this change is that the studio is small (two yoga rooms) with a limited collection of evening classes at good times for me. I usually take the regular course (an hour and a half with 26 or so poses performed twice each) as I find the short course (one hour, fewer poses, slower) to be not as much bang for my buck. When my ankle is feeling strong I like to do three lessons a week. On Friday nights the regular course is only offered at 4:30 when I am still at work, or 8:30, which is great if I don’t want a social life. More and more Puppy gets out on Friday, although it’s always up to Amazon if Puppy is allowed to run free before dinner. The introductory level hot POWER yoga is one hour and starts at 7pm…getting me showered up and ready for dinner at a reasonable time.

In the 7 months since I started hot yoga at Lava Yoga: I’ve taken yoga 2-3 times a week (minus a month for ankle healing), I lost my one bi-lingual co-worker to Singapore, and have been placed in a second grade class as a control rod. Going into hot POWER yoga, I am no longer worried about the learning curve or understanding the Japanese explanations for each pose, I only worry about if my ankle will be happy or not.

The ankle has good days and stiff/wobbly days, but two days ago my ankle-wrap exploded in microwave.

As to this winter of SAD: adding yoga to the light box, dance, journal line-up seems to be working very well. I feel twinges of it, but nothing overly horrid. Yes, I find myself easily fixated on lj-community drama...but this is better than being overly-fixated on areas of my past that I have no power to change now and is nothing in comparison to public crying jags.

band-aids

Oct. 10th, 2006 04:14 pm
parasitegirl: (Default)
The onset of SAD is always bumpy, it takes a while for my coping skills and SAD reduction schedule to kick in. Today I swear my body is stuck in constant fight or flight mode. I’m a time bomb. It’s best for everyone if I go home and make shit ASAP. It is far easier to find the words needed to slow discussion down, get mental space, and reduce stress when you’re using your native tongue.

I am scheduled to start back into yoga this Friday, I think my ankle is better, this should help.

I took a small corner off my left index finger with an X-acto blade today, like being back in art school.
parasitegirl: (neck)
Oh yeah, I started using the light box for real two days ago. Up at 6:30 and I’m sitting in front of it (with breakfast and such) for a half an hour. Regular scheduled use. My ankle still hurts some times, so I’m not back into full work-out mode, but I need to be soon. The dark comes.
 
I know this because people are pissing me off beyond the point that they should be. I’m getting tiny anger spikes and brief depression dips...and when I got home at 5PM last night I gave serious thought to sleeping for a few hours.
 
I’ve said it before:
 
Part of the winter depression package is the larger-than-explainable reactions to life. You know how adrenalin floods you during a near-accident? You’re okay...but that adrenaline doesn’t care that you are okay, it doesn’t vanish when you present it with the good news, it stays in your body for a while, shaking you up. When it is gone you feel the loss. Winter for me is like a series of small events that release disproportionate amounts of adrenaline/tears/exhaustion/anger into my system. I know better now than I used to. I try to think and look around me. I can usually figure out when things are generally okay but that my reaction is larger than usual. Most of the time, I can ride it out. It passes through my system. I feel a bit worn for the wear, but it does end.
 
Events in my depression may appear closer than they are.
 
But that initial flood of chemicals, man, it is intense.
 
In the end, it is my problem. I’ll explain all the stupid details to those that I care about, so that they know, and I police myself in those months...but my co-workers? It’s not their fault they are doing things that normally wouldn’t rankle me.
parasitegirl: (monotype)
One of the reasons I keep this journal, along with staying in touch with old friends and being able to so my torso to people I've never met is cataloging my moods. This is most important in the winter, when Season Affective Disorder starts a strange smack down.

I don't ever want to go back on anti-depression medication, but will if it ever reaches the low of my worst year. Instead I use a light box in the morning, dance and work-out regularly, and document myself well enough that I can compare to prior years/how I might react to similar events in sunny times.

Two days ago I unpacked my light, my sleeping patterns have been erratic and I feel tired most of the time. I don't think I need it quite yet, but I probably will in a week or so. A quick review of "sad' tags also tells me that I am right on schedule.
parasitegirl: (holga)
For the last few days my energy seems to peak around 11AM and then just plummet. We haven’t had sun since Saturday. It just rains and goes gray and rains again. I have had a very light workload and the hours of free time haven’t helped a bit. I know I can’t expect to be running full speed. My body tends to slump after the battle against February could only be compounded by the last waves of influenza and the first waves of pollen at school…of course, comforting odd text-based friendship aside, there was the break-up.

I’m just trying to figure out where “sanity preserving and energy-restoring” downtime ends and “signs of fatigue and slight depression” begin. I have a hunch that sunlight will help me view it all a bit more clearly.

It isn’t anything for folks to worry about. I am getting out, being social, and tomorrow I will attend a belly dancer’s birthday bash.

Today I tried forcing productivity by removing my school laptop and doing little things like postcards and using my iBook to make bilingual PDS spreads of my creatures with information so (if/when) I sell items I can still have a record at my booth of what it is I do. I intended to draw when I got home (after making a restorative risotto with the soup stock I made this weekend) but I am having doubts about drawing, knitting, or dance tonight…maybe it is restorative films with subtitles time. Something where I just watch and absorb and cannot have fingers full of yarn or a side-line cleaning binge.

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