My less enjoyable ritual

Last week I got bent out of shape over a gas bill. Even after I pinpointed the error, transferred money, and it was over; I was filled with shame, frustration, confusion and panic.

That was my sign to dust off my writings about the oncoming darkening. That time is coming, if it is not already here. I am ok, for now. Things are in-check, at the moment. But this is a yearly ritual, my preparation, my self-awakening to certain realities. To look over my past writings reminds me that the soon-to-be stress responses and depressive reactions that stretch beyond what is reasonable and are deeper than the shallow events that precede them are not new…and can be survived…although they may require professional help or medication this year. That is always an option that needs to be considered, without shame. It’s not unknown to me but it’s been a long time.

My years of writing journals and blogs show me… yes.. again… yes.. again. I ask,  “What was I doing last year at this time? …and the year before?... and the year before?” and I flip through my writings. I usually find, with minor variations, that the farther in time I go back during the dark months, the more out of balance I was…but that individual years will vary and surprise me. Reading where I have been shows me that I have gotten better at this, but I know that doesn’t mean this year will be uneventful. I never know. I can hope but I won’t know until it is behind me.

I review. I reach out. I take a good long look in the mirror. I write.

( The SAD.  )

 

My less enjoyable ritual

Last week I got bent out of shape over a gas bill. Even after I pinpointed the error, transferred money, and it was over; I was filled with shame, frustration, confusion and panic.

That was my sign to dust off my writings about the oncoming darkening. That time is coming, if it is not already here. I am ok, for now. Things are in-check, at the moment. But this is a yearly ritual, my preparation, my self-awakening to certain realities. To look over my past writings reminds me that the soon-to-be stress responses and depressive reactions that stretch beyond what is reasonable and are deeper than the shallow events that precede them are not new…and can be survived…although they may require professional help or medication this year. That is always an option that needs to be considered, without shame. It’s not unknown to me but it’s been a long time.

My years of writing journals and blogs show me… yes.. again… yes.. again. I ask,  “What was I doing last year at this time? …and the year before?... and the year before?” and I flip through my writings. I usually find, with minor variations, that the farther in time I go back during the dark months, the more out of balance I was…but that individual years will vary and surprise me. Reading where I have been shows me that I have gotten better at this, but I know that doesn’t mean this year will be uneventful. I never know. I can hope but I won’t know until it is behind me.

I review. I reach out. I take a good long look in the mirror. I write.

( The SAD.  )