parasitegirl | Side-eye for The Kitchn (Reply)

Day 9: Thursday, October 10
Assignment: Cook yourself a meal

Camera pulls in tight on eyes.
Twitch….twitch…twiiiitch.
And….cue the scream.
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Listen here, The Kitchn. Do you know why I thought I’d participate in your CURE? Why I looked at my kitchen and thought there was room for improvement? Because I cook EVERY DAY. I touch surfaces and things spill. Quick wipes-ups are not always what they should be. Things dry, cake-on, solidify, and get ground into cracks and hard-to-reach spaces.

My idea of falling behind in cooking is not having time to prep and make items for eating outside of my apartment (my bentos). This means that I have been squeezing in meal-cooking time for all of these days. I >have< to. I like the idea of shaving a few minutes off any of my meal-making and meal-clean-up time so I can do more meal enjoying

I used to go to your pages for food/meal ideas. I’ve adjusted to the increase of “oh, buy this cute item” and non-food-kitchen-porn (ooooooooh, subway-tiled backsplash, ooooooh) between the food items.

Ok…let’s look at the specifics:

"The penultimate assignment in The Kitchn Cure is always to cook yourself a simple meal. This isn't your big graduation brouhaha; this is a simple meal you are to cook yourself right away. As in tonight."

I know you feel proud of yourselves for using penultimate in a sentence. I can feel the pride slipping through the tubes of the internet and leaving residue on my keypad.

I can’t read and reply to more of this.

What do I expect tomorrow as the ULTIMATE ASSIGNEMNT from The Kitchn?

Day 10: Thursday, October 11
Assignment: Take Pride in your Superiority.

(Estimated time: 30 minutes – the rest of your life)

1. Actively explore your joy in your newly beautified space.

This assignment takes a little bit of preparation but it is worth it. You will first need to protect the pristine floors you so diligently scrubbed when we delightfully unveiled the 4th assignment of deep cleaning. If you’re on a budget you can delicately unfold a generic tarp over your floorboards. If you’re on the Buy Stuff path-- because you know you are worth it-- we’ve got links to the finest, hand-woven, up-cycled, protective flooring mats.

(insert etsy links)

Bring whatever Apple product you are using to connect to us onto your mat. It’s time to bring music into your sacred space.

(insert Spotify playlists assembled by our ebullient interns)

Now is the time to harness the collective power of #kitchcure hashtags to bring forth images to inspire some good, old-fashioned, self-pleasuring. IF you’ve kept up with your hashtags then bring yourself to climax with your own trail of triumph. Those who’ve fallen behind…we have options for you as well. Unleash the estacy of superiority by browsing kitchens that aren’t up to your standards…and let the rush of seeing how many people quit early on carry you over the edge and into enlightenment.

2. Breathe. Breathe deeply.

(insert links to pranayama breathing apps)

3. Clean up. Don't go back to your old ways. Aside from the perfume of your new-found serenity - (wink)- leave the kitchen as you found it.

4. Create a Pintrest board to collect the images that helped you achieve that effervescent orgasm.

5. Bask. You’ve completed your journey. Your space is uniquely yours…and better than the space of the masses. Never forget that.