parasitegirl: (Default)
Greetings from the waiting room of my ObGyn, or as I like to think of it "The Hayakawa Home for Healthy Holes."

The clinic has two entrances and two separate waiting rooms (each one out of sight of the other) with a shared receptionist booth (with two customer windows). This is because my doctor is both an ObGyn and a proctologist. All the holes get help! And he's Bilingual! Because foreign holes need help too!

This never fails to amuse me.

What sometimes fails me is my doctor's habit of reading test results like its a televised awards ceremony and he wants to ramp up the suspense.

Next is....Clamydia!..........negative!
And we couldn't have done it without....syphillis!!! But we did...you don't have it!

Why would I go anywhere else?

(After)

The proctology exam room is similarly out of site when you're in the ObGyn room. I can only wonder at the joys it has. The woman's area has an egg-shaped chair with leg rest/stirrups. It then tilts back, lifts up, and (once you are on your back) the bottom of the chair drops away as the stirrups spread your legs. Wheeee

Nothing like answering English language questions with a speculum in you!

My doctor's English skills have faded over the years (it's been ages since he studies abroad) as my Japanese gets better. We use both languages. Sometimes, like today, we come across a Japanese question I do no grasp and he rephrased to the best of his abilities. Today it was:

"(Term I do not understand)"
"Eh?"
"Any....gynecological complaining?"
"(Laugh) No gynecological complaining! Thank you!"

And may I say that my ovaries....and my vagina...(pause for drum roll) ...Nothing! Nothing bad!
parasitegirl: (Default)
Part of knowing thy self is having to remember thy self.

I didn't sleep well Saturday night. Still, I woke up early for Dean Mommy time. After that I tackled the kitchen.My kitchen is very organized. I was fixated on that task for all of Sunday. I went to Ikea on a Sunday. I forgot, until much later than normal, to eat my meals. I had a lot of energy afterward and didn't sleep well but I had a lot of ideas.

I spent a lot of time talking with Hiromi on Monday. I had ideas, she had situations, so we talked. I forgot to eat a real lunch. On my way into Tokyo to take a 3 hour workshop I realized how exhausted I was. I kept getting off at wrong stops...so I decided to forgo the workshop and head back for a real night's sleep because I knew it would be a busy week.

I woke up this morning. Rushed. Headed to my school...worried about today's English lessons. Worried that I needed to make changes...

Then I realized...

Of course I'm full of these ideas and the feeling like there is so much I neeeeeeed to do. Of course I'm not sleeping. Of course I have this strange buzzing energy that I was thinking might be the increase of sun.

I'm anxious! And by that I mean I have a clinical problem with anxiety that is connected to my depression issue.

That's part of who I am.

Because there is a chance that my winter ear problems from this year and last are actually a fairly uncommon side effect of my increased dose of lexapro in winter, we're slowly decreasing the dose (instead of risking a full change in winter) to see if that helps my ear.

It wasn’t until this morning that I connected that with this energy, this desire to do SOMETHING about SOMETHING, and the sleep problems.

It is anxiety.

It's always hard to tell because being busy, making things, problem solving is something I do when not depressed or anxious. All these things are also activities that are part of how I cope with my depression dips. And today I realized that all these things are, sometimes, a manifestation of my anxiety. Part of anxiety is feeling like there is something wrong. So I’ve been looking around finding things WRONG to fix. And I’ve done a damned good job of it. It’s not a bad thing in small doses, so long as the anxiety doesn’t get to the point it shuts down my abilities to do things or keeps me from doing what I actually need to do.

I’ve just realized that I need to sit down, figure out what actually needs doing in a timely manner, and set some limits about what I allow myself to tackle…because I can get so very easily sidetracked into FIXING THINGS before doing the things I need to do.

I’m gonna stay with the decrease in dosage to see if it helps my ear problems with the knowledge that I can set limits and the dark months are waning.
parasitegirl: (Default)

I touch myself. The touching I am writing about is not of the sexual type. Sexual touching, that’s a given with me but it is one that I feel no need to share with you. I am checking that everything I know is as it should be. I am feeling for change. I am asking much. I am listening with my hands.

As I start to fall asleep, or am waking up, I run my hands over my body. It’s an exploration. If I find soreness or a tight muscle, I press my fingers into the spot and massage it. I push my palm flat against my ribs or my stomach and breath in and out, feeling muscles shift under my touch. I contract my muscles and play with the push and pull of what I can control.

It’s almost been a year. This time the year doesn’t mark the earthquake. It is a year since I moved deeper into my body.

Books are my religion. I open the pages and look through other eyes. Over time the overlapping perceptions, landscapes, and lives compress to form another strata of my morality and thought process. I internalize the words and combine them with my own personal experiences. This constant compression, readjustment, composting, and tectonic shifting eventually becomes expressed in my own words and writing.

I do not pray. I do not meditate. I move my body. I do this to elevate my mind and my moods beyond my words.

Dance is the zenith of my movement.

I cannot reach that peak with laying a foundation. I cannot bring forth words without my books, my ears, my life and time. I similarly cannot dance without feeding my body with food, inspiration, and exercise. I must erect a scaffolding that can support my weight before I can be weightless

My body changed more than usual over the last year. Part of my post-earthquake reality was that the economic damage to Tokyo restaurants resulted in my once/twice a week paid performances going to dancers who charged half my price. It hurt. It was an economic loss, for sure, but more than that it was the lost of a large part of how I defined myself as a dancer and an endpoint for which I had built my at-home practice toward. I carried around with me a sense of emptiness. I was simultaneously ashamed of feeling the loss because I was well aware of how minor it was in comparison to the loss of home, life, safety, income, and stability endured by those in Northern Japan.

In the first week of May, 2011, I started to add intense cardio-strength training into my routine of dance/dance practice/ and yoga. It is the difference this change made that I have felt as I run my hands along my body to check, test, explore….wonder.

I know that the workouts did more than build me physically. It was a way to stay emotionally stable. I needed to feel that I was in control of something after the trauma. The aftermath of the earthquake laid bare my vulnerability to nuclear contamination of air, water, and food as well as my lack of control over the earth I stand on. I felt my smallness in comparisons to governments, embassies, and regulations. My body seemed to be what was left to me.

I became more focused on my food and my water, for obvious reasons. I’ve been cooking for myself, with a solid grasp of nutrition and taste, for over a decade…which helped as I scanned daily government charts for cesium counts and made choices about my water and food sources.

I am thankful that I did have this body to repair within. My horrors were external. I don’t know where I would have turned if it were my body that were the source of the trauma as it must feel with a severe illness or injury. I haven't struggled with those I am thankful.

I can’t always write at my pinnacle. I can’t always dance at the zenith. To do either can be to stand naked and alone in the face of your emotions and experiences. There’s a reason it’s a peak, you can’t always be balanced on the narrowest point. It comes with dangers.

I wrote volumes in the weeks after the quake…and then I was quiet. I reduced my writing because I’d reached a point of diminishing returns where the healing rewards weren’t large enough to justify the pain of the process. I was also entering a severe depression. Still, I never stopped reading and thinking. I fed the body of my words even as I allowed my writing to go into hibernation.

I danced less. This reduction was not completely by choice yet it was tempered by the fact that I felt pre-emptive dread at what emotions dancing full-out would expose me to. I built my body through intense cardio and strength training, dance drills, yoga, seeing more shows and internalizing the inspiration and eating well. I did this all to have control over something, to be building something, with the dream of being able to feel free and vulnerable in movement.

I am writing this. There is a novel in my bag. My shoulders are sore from this morning’s workout. My desk calendar shows the dance classes I’ll teach this week. I have workshops and a show to attend this weekend and performances I am looking forward to in the near future.

It is spring again.

parasitegirl: (Default)

I touch myself. The touching I am writing about is not of the sexual type. Sexual touching, that’s a given with me but it is one that I feel no need to share with you. I am checking that everything I know is as it should be. I am feeling for change. I am asking much. I am listening with my hands.

As I start to fall asleep, or am waking up, I run my hands over my body. It’s an exploration. If I find soreness or a tight muscle, I press my fingers into the spot and massage it. I push my palm flat against my ribs or my stomach and breath in and out, feeling muscles shift under my touch. I contract my muscles and play with the push and pull of what I can control.

It’s almost been a year. This time the year doesn’t mark the earthquake. It is a year since I moved deeper into my body.

Books are my religion. I open the pages and look through other eyes. Over time the overlapping perceptions, landscapes, and lives compress to form another strata of my morality and thought process. I internalize the words and combine them with my own personal experiences. This constant compression, readjustment, composting, and tectonic shifting eventually becomes expressed in my own words and writing.

I do not pray. I do not meditate. I move my body. I do this to elevate my mind and my moods beyond my words.

Dance is the zenith of my movement.

I cannot reach that peak with laying a foundation. I cannot bring forth words without my books, my ears, my life and time. I similarly cannot dance without feeding my body with food, inspiration, and exercise. I must erect a scaffolding that can support my weight before I can be weightless

My body changed more than usual over the last year. Part of my post-earthquake reality was that the economic damage to Tokyo restaurants resulted in my once/twice a week paid performances going to dancers who charged half my price. It hurt. It was an economic loss, for sure, but more than that it was the lost of a large part of how I defined myself as a dancer and an endpoint for which I had built my at-home practice toward. I carried around with me a sense of emptiness. I was simultaneously ashamed of feeling the loss because I was well aware of how minor it was in comparison to the loss of home, life, safety, income, and stability endured by those in Northern Japan.

In the first week of May, 2011, I started to add intense cardio-strength training into my routine of dance/dance practice/ and yoga. It is the difference this change made that I have felt as I run my hands along my body to check, test, explore….wonder.

I know that the workouts did more than build me physically. It was a way to stay emotionally stable. I needed to feel that I was in control of something after the trauma. The aftermath of the earthquake laid bare my vulnerability to nuclear contamination of air, water, and food as well as my lack of control over the earth I stand on. I felt my smallness in comparisons to governments, embassies, and regulations. My body seemed to be what was left to me.

I became more focused on my food and my water, for obvious reasons. I’ve been cooking for myself, with a solid grasp of nutrition and taste, for over a decade…which helped as I scanned daily government charts for cesium counts and made choices about my water and food sources.

I am thankful that I did have this body to repair within. My horrors were external. I don’t know where I would have turned if it were my body that were the source of the trauma as it must feel with a severe illness or injury. I haven't struggled with those I am thankful.

I can’t always write at my pinnacle. I can’t always dance at the zenith. To do either can be to stand naked and alone in the face of your emotions and experiences. There’s a reason it’s a peak, you can’t always be balanced on the narrowest point. It comes with dangers.

I wrote volumes in the weeks after the quake…and then I was quiet. I reduced my writing because I’d reached a point of diminishing returns where the healing rewards weren’t large enough to justify the pain of the process. I was also entering a severe depression. Still, I never stopped reading and thinking. I fed the body of my words even as I allowed my writing to go into hibernation.

I danced less. This reduction was not completely by choice yet it was tempered by the fact that I felt pre-emptive dread at what emotions dancing full-out would expose me to. I built my body through intense cardio and strength training, dance drills, yoga, seeing more shows and internalizing the inspiration and eating well. I did this all to have control over something, to be building something, with the dream of being able to feel free and vulnerable in movement.

I am writing this. There is a novel in my bag. My shoulders are sore from this morning’s workout. My desk calendar shows the dance classes I’ll teach this week. I have workshops and a show to attend this weekend and performances I am looking forward to in the near future.

It is spring again.

parasitegirl: (Default)
Still in bed, doing a lot of sleeping. The coughing seems to have subsided. I'm simply in a cycle of sleep, produce more snotty tissues, take pile of tissues to the trash...repeat as needed. I'm trying to be back to work tomorrow.

Most of my medicine courses have ended, so I'm back to a few pills in the morning and evening instead of 5-8 in the morning and evening.

I have 2-3 months worth of my regular asthma/allergy meds. Mrs.N knows of an asthma/allergy specialist her daughter goes to nearby who also happens to be bi-lingual. She'll be helping me with that information because I really would like a new specialist. My guy is no good.
parasitegirl: (Default)
Still in bed, doing a lot of sleeping. The coughing seems to have subsided. I'm simply in a cycle of sleep, produce more snotty tissues, take pile of tissues to the trash...repeat as needed. I'm trying to be back to work tomorrow.

Most of my medicine courses have ended, so I'm back to a few pills in the morning and evening instead of 5-8 in the morning and evening.

I have 2-3 months worth of my regular asthma/allergy meds. Mrs.N knows of an asthma/allergy specialist her daughter goes to nearby who also happens to be bi-lingual. She'll be helping me with that information because I really would like a new specialist. My guy is no good.
parasitegirl: (Default)
I really wish my asthma/allergy specialist had had to good sense to slap a thermometer on me when I was there yesterday coughing so hard I couldn't talk. Had I thought I was suffering from something other than a fullblown asthma attack induced by the start of pollen...I would not have tried to dance.

Welcome to Influenza Type A. My supervisor took me to a clinic today (Sunday) and I gots it...will be away from classes of all sizes for a week.
parasitegirl: (Default)
I really wish my asthma/allergy specialist had had to good sense to slap a thermometer on me when I was there yesterday coughing so hard I couldn't talk. Had I thought I was suffering from something other than a fullblown asthma attack induced by the start of pollen...I would not have tried to dance.

Welcome to Influenza Type A. My supervisor took me to a clinic today (Sunday) and I gots it...will be away from classes of all sizes for a week.
parasitegirl: (Default)
November 22nd, 2011
 
My parents are readers. This was not enough to keep them together, they divorced when I was three, but it did provide me two separate but extensive book collections to grow up in. They both continue to send me books they have read. I’m rarely surprised but usually pleased with what they include in care packages. My mother and I are close enough in taste that she’s learned to ask before sending, lest I’ve already read what she intended to mail.
 
And when we need to escape, when we need to burrow into a book that will allow time to fall away but not tax us too much, the three of us turn to mysteries. There is nothing like a good procedural. The unknown falls into patterns. There is also comfort in knowing that even though the case has been solved that the eccentric detective/ private eye/ lawyer/ old lady/ forensic scientist you’ve grown comfortable with will return in the next volume.
 
We book readers are not alone in our love with the crime procedural, television is as smitten. The bodies will continue but so will the battle for justice. The world is continually dark and trying to reach the light. Patterns will be exposed and evidence will bring us closer to the truth. Our biases will be revealed. Our flaws will compromise the outcome. The seemingly insignificant moments will be unwound and found to be the clue we needed all along. We will have our answers, but finding them has changed us…but never enough that we’ll be unrecognizable next week.
 
I also start with the body. What can I say? It provides me with structure. What I have written in the past, they photos I have taken, and those who can confirm my story are not always nearby, but I’m always within reach.
 More )
parasitegirl: (Default)
November 22nd, 2011
 
My parents are readers. This was not enough to keep them together, they divorced when I was three, but it did provide me two separate but extensive book collections to grow up in. They both continue to send me books they have read. I’m rarely surprised but usually pleased with what they include in care packages. My mother and I are close enough in taste that she’s learned to ask before sending, lest I’ve already read what she intended to mail.
 
And when we need to escape, when we need to burrow into a book that will allow time to fall away but not tax us too much, the three of us turn to mysteries. There is nothing like a good procedural. The unknown falls into patterns. There is also comfort in knowing that even though the case has been solved that the eccentric detective/ private eye/ lawyer/ old lady/ forensic scientist you’ve grown comfortable with will return in the next volume.
 
We book readers are not alone in our love with the crime procedural, television is as smitten. The bodies will continue but so will the battle for justice. The world is continually dark and trying to reach the light. Patterns will be exposed and evidence will bring us closer to the truth. Our biases will be revealed. Our flaws will compromise the outcome. The seemingly insignificant moments will be unwound and found to be the clue we needed all along. We will have our answers, but finding them has changed us…but never enough that we’ll be unrecognizable next week.
 
I also start with the body. What can I say? It provides me with structure. What I have written in the past, they photos I have taken, and those who can confirm my story are not always nearby, but I’m always within reach.
 More )
parasitegirl: (Default)

Because this month has five Tuesdays, I am taking this Tuesday off from teaching dance…and am very excited about that. It’s Monday and I feel only the pressure to make use of my next two nights for my dancing and workouts.
 
(Which, as of posting, I have done. I’ve worked out, shimmy drilled, and cooked for my bento tomorrow…now a large sweet potato is cooking)
 
So what did October bring to me?Blah Blah ginger dance blah. )
parasitegirl: (Default)

Because this month has five Tuesdays, I am taking this Tuesday off from teaching dance…and am very excited about that. It’s Monday and I feel only the pressure to make use of my next two nights for my dancing and workouts.
 
(Which, as of posting, I have done. I’ve worked out, shimmy drilled, and cooked for my bento tomorrow…now a large sweet potato is cooking)
 
So what did October bring to me?Blah Blah ginger dance blah. )
parasitegirl: (Default)
Today has been a busy day.

I woke up and got cracking on smoothing out my three lesson plans. Not working a full day and spending an hour on the train to Tokyo before I teach makes an understandable world of difference in my energy levels.

I've had three studnets in my Zills&Drills and Roma&More and really felt totally in control of my lesson, no hesitation. I'm getting a better sense of how to mentally pre-plan a lesson. In the break Eva and I planned for me to teach three short workshops in December: Intro to Zills. Zill choreography, and veil combinations. I had no beginners show up for the beginner class, but that should change after I do the student halfa tomorrow.

It was a good thing I got out early, as I had to scurry to Maihama (home to Disney land, Disney Sea, Ikspiari shopping and Cirque Du Soliel) because Ara had left me a ticket for Cirque. Ara is a bellydancer who moved to Japan 3 years ago when her husband got a job as a musician in the Cirque show Zed. They've let me see the show before, with my mom, up in teh sound booth. This time they left me a ticket to sit in the actual theater. Great show! Unfortunately, Cirque is a earthquake tourist/economy casualty and will close at the end of the year.

On the way out I caught an approved Ikspiari street performer....juggling/magic/comedy/unicycle and stopped and watched, because I realized that the performer, Jeremy, is one of the Tokyo Facebook friends I've had for 2-3 years and never met in person. I tipped well and sent a thank-you facebook message after.

Now I'm at home, ready to fall asleep early. No nausea today with the meds, but my head has started to hurt and the increased urination continues and annoys me.

I have many comments to reply to, please give me a day or two.

Tomorrow the Eva's studio is having a student and studio show, very small and informal, and I'll be dancing there as an instructor.
parasitegirl: (Default)
Today has been a busy day.

I woke up and got cracking on smoothing out my three lesson plans. Not working a full day and spending an hour on the train to Tokyo before I teach makes an understandable world of difference in my energy levels.

I've had three studnets in my Zills&Drills and Roma&More and really felt totally in control of my lesson, no hesitation. I'm getting a better sense of how to mentally pre-plan a lesson. In the break Eva and I planned for me to teach three short workshops in December: Intro to Zills. Zill choreography, and veil combinations. I had no beginners show up for the beginner class, but that should change after I do the student halfa tomorrow.

It was a good thing I got out early, as I had to scurry to Maihama (home to Disney land, Disney Sea, Ikspiari shopping and Cirque Du Soliel) because Ara had left me a ticket for Cirque. Ara is a bellydancer who moved to Japan 3 years ago when her husband got a job as a musician in the Cirque show Zed. They've let me see the show before, with my mom, up in teh sound booth. This time they left me a ticket to sit in the actual theater. Great show! Unfortunately, Cirque is a earthquake tourist/economy casualty and will close at the end of the year.

On the way out I caught an approved Ikspiari street performer....juggling/magic/comedy/unicycle and stopped and watched, because I realized that the performer, Jeremy, is one of the Tokyo Facebook friends I've had for 2-3 years and never met in person. I tipped well and sent a thank-you facebook message after.

Now I'm at home, ready to fall asleep early. No nausea today with the meds, but my head has started to hurt and the increased urination continues and annoys me.

I have many comments to reply to, please give me a day or two.

Tomorrow the Eva's studio is having a student and studio show, very small and informal, and I'll be dancing there as an instructor.

Treatment.

Sep. 2nd, 2011 07:03 pm
parasitegirl: (Default)
Last night, after the psyche session and after joining up with Eva and Mona for food in Ueno, I took my first Lexapro and my first ambien.

Ambien! My body doesn't care for most sleeping pills and anxiety makes it worse. My system scoffs at sleeping pills. I was an amazingly happy camper when Ambien dragged me down and gave me the deep sleep I have been missing...unfortunately it was only 6 hours of deep sleep, due to my schedule, but it was nice.

I went to work pretty out of it and snuck off to the room they've been reserving for us so that we don't go crazy. In past days (even yesterday) I worked out in that room and prepared for dance lessons. Today, I fell asleep on the floor for two hours.

Lexapro side effects bothering me: nausea, fatigue, and increased urination. I am hoping these pass. Mid-day I googled them and, yup, right up there with common side effects. A dodgy stomach makes coffee a bit problematic which doesn't help the fatigue.

In the afternoon I managed to plot out two of tomorrow's three lessons (Zill&Drills, Roma&More and Beginer Bellydace) and review some dvds for teaching inspiration, I'm watching for how to teach using body language and easy to remember motions.

I've yet to write out what I am teaching day one in Roma & More. It's almost 7 PM and my body is fighting the idea of running through anything. It might just make sense to get to bed early and map out Roma in the morning before I teach. Most of it will be revieiwing the same thing I taught in the "taster" class last month...and I can build up layers a bit by spending more time on "throwing the stomach" in the moves...still, I'd like a good gesture-flow of sorts (basic front back step X4, side-sideX3, gesture combo...change feet and repeat as needed)...that may make more sense after I sleep.

My dance classes start at 11:30 tomorrow, with a lunch break, ending at 2. Then I've got a comp ticket for me to see Cirque du Soleil: Zed at 4pm as a me-reward.

There is a dance show I'd wanted to see, but I didn't get tickets because I realized that would be overload for me. Ganbatte, Hannah!

I think I'm going to prep my class bag and such, put out what I need for lesson planning, and watch brainless funny stuff for and hour and then CRASH.

Treatment.

Sep. 2nd, 2011 07:03 pm
parasitegirl: (Default)
Last night, after the psyche session and after joining up with Eva and Mona for food in Ueno, I took my first Lexapro and my first ambien.

Ambien! My body doesn't care for most sleeping pills and anxiety makes it worse. My system scoffs at sleeping pills. I was an amazingly happy camper when Ambien dragged me down and gave me the deep sleep I have been missing...unfortunately it was only 6 hours of deep sleep, due to my schedule, but it was nice.

I went to work pretty out of it and snuck off to the room they've been reserving for us so that we don't go crazy. In past days (even yesterday) I worked out in that room and prepared for dance lessons. Today, I fell asleep on the floor for two hours.

Lexapro side effects bothering me: nausea, fatigue, and increased urination. I am hoping these pass. Mid-day I googled them and, yup, right up there with common side effects. A dodgy stomach makes coffee a bit problematic which doesn't help the fatigue.

In the afternoon I managed to plot out two of tomorrow's three lessons (Zill&Drills, Roma&More and Beginer Bellydace) and review some dvds for teaching inspiration, I'm watching for how to teach using body language and easy to remember motions.

I've yet to write out what I am teaching day one in Roma & More. It's almost 7 PM and my body is fighting the idea of running through anything. It might just make sense to get to bed early and map out Roma in the morning before I teach. Most of it will be revieiwing the same thing I taught in the "taster" class last month...and I can build up layers a bit by spending more time on "throwing the stomach" in the moves...still, I'd like a good gesture-flow of sorts (basic front back step X4, side-sideX3, gesture combo...change feet and repeat as needed)...that may make more sense after I sleep.

My dance classes start at 11:30 tomorrow, with a lunch break, ending at 2. Then I've got a comp ticket for me to see Cirque du Soleil: Zed at 4pm as a me-reward.

There is a dance show I'd wanted to see, but I didn't get tickets because I realized that would be overload for me. Ganbatte, Hannah!

I think I'm going to prep my class bag and such, put out what I need for lesson planning, and watch brainless funny stuff for and hour and then CRASH.
parasitegirl: (Default)

I’ve been working out 6 days a week, using a variety of those accursed Jillian Michaels DVDs, since May 5th. I know some people loathe her but I do enjoy that she isn’t all smiles and perky talk. I don’t like people being peppy at me when my body hurts. I like it when I feel like my occasional swearing would garner a laugh, not a frowny face, from the lady on the screen. I think she’s just a little too fond of plank variations and high-intensity jumpy shit. Jillian gets a bit guru-ish about this being about changing your life, not just your body, but that’s fairly common in many belly dance teachers and yoga teacher so it seems, well, normal.

workout and dance body blather )
parasitegirl: (Default)

I’ve been working out 6 days a week, using a variety of those accursed Jillian Michaels DVDs, since May 5th. I know some people loathe her but I do enjoy that she isn’t all smiles and perky talk. I don’t like people being peppy at me when my body hurts. I like it when I feel like my occasional swearing would garner a laugh, not a frowny face, from the lady on the screen. I think she’s just a little too fond of plank variations and high-intensity jumpy shit. Jillian gets a bit guru-ish about this being about changing your life, not just your body, but that’s fairly common in many belly dance teachers and yoga teacher so it seems, well, normal.

workout and dance body blather )
parasitegirl: (Default)

Perhaps having LJ and FB blocked at work is what I needed to update and write more.

 

I’ve had a hard time writing this month…about the quake, my life, anything. It’s not so much about being blocked as it is feeling like I don’t have the energy or desire.

 

I shouldn’t be surprised and I shouldn’t feel like less than a writer for it. The quake overloaded me with words and starting points. I had things I needed to write about. It was the sort of writing that transports you to a highly emotional state, it revisited and catalogued difficult emotions, and while the rewards were high (working through/ understanding those emotions and staying connected to the outside world) it was exhausting and unsustainable.

 

Even thought the changes the quake have cause for me and my friends are not over, there is still much to write, in early May I hit a point where I needed to take a break. I needed to be free from words.

 

continued. )

 

parasitegirl: (Default)

Perhaps having LJ and FB blocked at work is what I needed to update and write more.

 

I’ve had a hard time writing this month…about the quake, my life, anything. It’s not so much about being blocked as it is feeling like I don’t have the energy or desire.

 

I shouldn’t be surprised and I shouldn’t feel like less than a writer for it. The quake overloaded me with words and starting points. I had things I needed to write about. It was the sort of writing that transports you to a highly emotional state, it revisited and catalogued difficult emotions, and while the rewards were high (working through/ understanding those emotions and staying connected to the outside world) it was exhausting and unsustainable.

 

Even thought the changes the quake have cause for me and my friends are not over, there is still much to write, in early May I hit a point where I needed to take a break. I needed to be free from words.

 

continued. )

 

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