Word vacation

[parasitegirl]

Perhaps having LJ and FB blocked at work is what I needed to update and write more.

 

I’ve had a hard time writing this month…about the quake, my life, anything. It’s not so much about being blocked as it is feeling like I don’t have the energy or desire.

 

I shouldn’t be surprised and I shouldn’t feel like less than a writer for it. The quake overloaded me with words and starting points. I had things I needed to write about. It was the sort of writing that transports you to a highly emotional state, it revisited and catalogued difficult emotions, and while the rewards were high (working through/ understanding those emotions and staying connected to the outside world) it was exhausting and unsustainable.

 

Even thought the changes the quake have cause for me and my friends are not over, there is still much to write, in early May I hit a point where I needed to take a break. I needed to be free from words.

 

 

I’ve often written about how my visual art work and my narratives personal narratives ultimately always return to my body when they become unfocused. This time the  return to my body was more literal than artistic. Since May 5^th, I’ve revamped my work-out schedule and have redoubled my efforts to eat more produce and fresh home-cooked food.

 

It started with the Jillian Michael’s Shred DVD. Thanks to Sophie, Khalida, and Eshe, I figured it would be a good way to start. The workouts are short enough that I could tackle them without feeling like my life was being put on hold.

 

Although, truth be told, my dance practice has gone slightly on hold while I’ve gotten used to Shred (and now a few of her other DVDs throw into the mix so I don’t get bored) because my body has limits. Two days into doing push-ups and bicep curls I couldn’t fully extend my arms...that doesn’t make you want to do anything else. Without regular gigs, I could afford to go on a bit of a dance practice hiatus. Now, as my body is more able to handle the work-outs and returning to having endorphins and extra energy, I know I can build onto this work-out structure with dance practice.

 

 

 

My body misses regular gigs. I don’t know when the restaurant gigs will return to normal. Working out in a different fashion has helped me cope with that loss. It’s filled the void in a way and will, hopefully, make the transition back into regular performances easier than if I just kept my normal dance practice as is.

 

I also worked on pacing myself because I didn’t want to be punishing myself physically for taking a break from my emotional expression. I am prone to excess. I know I have a history of pushing my boundries/my schedule/my workload beyond what is always healthy to see how much I can do and to avoid/outrun depression.

 

I didn’t write much about this, not just because I had no desire to write but also because working out can fall into the same category as “The crazy dream I had last night.” I’ve found that learning more about my physical capacity and bodily weak points is fascinating to me but I doubt you’d be that interested. Suffice to say that my gender, choice of dance, and specific general lifestyle has shaped my body in specific and uneven ways. I sometimes feel like I have Estel Getty’s arms and the thighs of a panther.

 

My cooking and eating goes well. I am back to trying new produce and building my improvisational cooking skills (working with what I have or new items I find).Sunday mornings, I fight with little old ladies to get local produce. Japanese grannies are RUTHLESS. I’ve also succeeded in morning breakfast adventures on workdays.

 

Still, blogging what you eat can go in the “My dream last night” box as well. I post links to recipes and throw those quips up on FB.

 

In early May I moved leafy edible plants (shiso, lettuce, and such) back outside with the other veggies, no longer generally afraid of what might be in the air. My porch garden hit a few snags (I didn’t read the kanji on a bag of soil and thus two large containers got…umm..decomp/maggoty…my weekend fighting that was disgusting. You should be glad I didn’t write about it) but is back on track. I will probably post some pictures of mini-tomatoes and such soon…because while blogging about what you eat can be a recipe for boredom (there are people who do it well, they are not me) who can resist feeling some joy while viewing sexy produce pictures?

 

I do feel a little like I am physically training for the unknown but it’s probably closer to the truth to say I am training for the life I now have. I think it’s helped bring me back to a point where I want to write and share my self again.

 

Comments

[suzycat.livejournal.com]

Y'know, this post has just made me twig that the reason I am having a lot more anxiety, more than I've had in a very long time, is not ONLY because of change and yadda yadda, but also because I'm not dancing. DUH.